ENC 1101-B3 & B4: Writing for Discovery

Good morning sunny San Diego. It is currently 9:00 am, high of 75 degrees, with a 70% chance of rain, but not expected to move in till later tonight. Looks like another sunshine filled Saturday morning, calling for flip flops and tees. In fact, begin this perfect day with breakfast, at Sherry’s. Where you always find great specials and smiling faces.

* * *

I mean really? Who puts sky lights in a bedroom? Definitely not a fan of these damn ceiling windows on the only day I have to sleep in. Well, suppose I’ll be productive on my Saturday and get up. A run on the beach sounds nice-no, its high tide and I don’t want to break my ankles. I could always go to the park-yeah. Hey, I bet they got some new work in at the gallery. It’s been weeks since I’ve been. Now that’s a reason to get up.

“Don’t step on the crack or you’ll break your mother’s back." What a magnificent day. It’s a shame to stay indoors on a day like today. I am gonna run, after all. First the art gallery, then the park.

"I can’t wait to see the new work." No matter what life is throwing at me, I am always up for the gallery; I get lost in the paintings. I know if I go I‘ll spend the whole day there. "Oh, I’ll be just thirty minutes," but somehow that thirty minutes turns into "just thirty hours." As corny as it sounds these paintings have been my refuge and shelter in the storms of life; the place I am allowed to escape. Kind of like a movie or book. I have spent hours here, admiring each stroke and shadow, while releasing my mind from the stresses of life.

As I walk in I see: "Sandy!! What are you doing here? Well, I didn’t mean it like that, but I’m just surprised, that’s all. It’s wonderful to see you."

She replies, " Melanie!! I know I know. You never thought I was coming back. Believe me, I am just as surprised as you. It’s nice to see you, sweetie. It’s delightful to be back."

"How is motherhood?"

"Oh, I like being a mother, but it’s harder than I thought. Jon is watching Tyler on Monday and Wednesdays, while I become a career woman again. I need the break. I even stopped painting for the past year. I just haven’t had the time."

"I was wondering if you were ever coming back. Joe, said you weren‘t."

"I wasn’t planning on it, but I need some kind of an outlet from rattles and baby food, and Joe is willing to let me work for him two days a week. It’s something for me to do and I love it. Well, anyway, that’s enough about me. How are you? Finishing up school? You’re in your senior year."

"Yes, and I was already offered a job. A real job as the a Public Relations with Volcom, starting this fall. Also, Cade and I set the dates for the wedding."

"Congratulations!! Well just knock me over with two great things at once. You’ve been with Cade since freshman year and talked about that job since then too."

"I know. It was that internship last spring that got me the in."

"Well, that may be, but still, I think you had something to do with it. You had to land the internship in the first place and you did that yourself . You worked hard. Congrats, sweetie."

Sandy turns to a customer, "I’ll be right with you, mam. Hang on Melanie."

"I’m gonna go look around."

"We will catch up on your way out.”



While viewing the new work my gaze caught a landscape picture of Holland. I was having such a great morning and he had not crossed my mind once this whole day. Usually, anything from the sound of my alarm to the pizza man reminds me of him, but not today. This morning I woke “him free“. But my painless day was all over the minute I saw that perfect picture. I know it’s just impossible for a day to pass with out a reminder. I have been great the past few weeks, though I thought I was finally beginning to heal, until that disturbing blue sky, countless tulips, and brilliant windmill. Those innocent tulips are capable of sending chills down my spine.

Its hard to believe the tulip use to be my favorite flower. Now, the thought makes me weak. Unfortunately, these painted flowers are bringing me back the very place I spent the last 6 months trying to forget- a place far from the small California art gallery.

As I stand below this painting, I feel powerless. My mind races back to that breezy day in the field:

We walked from the quaint town to the tulip nursery. I was so overwhelmed by the brilliant colors, as they danced in the wind. It was just me and Todd. We had fallen for each other in that summer and as it was coming to an end, I knew we must too. I had never planned for this to happen, as we spent the whole summer just as friends. It all changed the week before I was to leave. "Never leave me." I can still hear those whispered words echoing, as they still paralyze my body. In that moment I knew I loved him and in that moment, I knew I couldn’t.

I only went to study abroad and experience something new. Well, I guess I got something new.

The reality of my life set in at that moment. This ugly reality was carried in with the breeze as the afternoon went on. He led me to a windmill where we sat in its shade and he picked a white tulip and handed it to me. As I held the flower in my hand I found a bracelet with "My Mel" engraved.

It was a picturesque dream that my mind wouldn’t allow me to enjoy. My heart fell into my stomach as I could no longer keep my tears restrained. There was no way I could cry in front of him; I’ve never been good at emotional stuff, anyway. The pain of leaving him was too great to bear, leaving me no choice. I ran. Literally and emotionally I ran. I ran away, never looking back. I sprinted back to town, leaving him alone.

The next day I flew home, without a word of explanation. Instead of a simple goodbye in person I had to write him a letter about a week after returning to the states. There is no way I could have ever said goodbye in person. Honestly, if I spoke what I wrote, I never would have gotten on that plane back home. In my letter I failed to mention Cade, my fiancé. I just couldn’t. Especially since we had been together almost four years.

Watching this canvas’s brilliant tulips sway in the wind only allows for regret to sneak back up. This painting is not lifting me from this world, nor do I find escape, only pain. Normally, paintings fly me high above the problems of this world, but not this perfect picture. There is no escape from him. I see him everywhere.

He has trapped me. Maybe I need to deal with this pain. Hell, I ran away from the only man I’ve ever loved. A person can’t carry that kind of stuff around, without it coming out somehow, although I would love to think I can. "I am the exception."

I can forget about what happened this summer and move on with my life. It had been roughly six months since I left him alone in that field. Besides the “dear John letter” I sent and his simple reply, we have shared no communication since the morning in the field. It was easier just to block the pain out than to have to actually deal with it. Blocking it out is exactly what I did, until these tulips laughed at me in the face. These innocent flowers transformed into knives and sliced my unhealed wound.

The thought "I could drop everything and return to him" crossed my mind everyday. Each morning I awoke to the temptation of getting on a plane, but commitments held me back. It is these same commitments that hold me back now.

My hand is shaking as I search for it at the bottom of my purse. I have not read it since the first time I opened it, 5 months ago. I had opened it, read it, and put it at the bottom of my purse. I carried this burden everywhere. The pain and regret lay at the bottom of my purse for 5 months and I was to weak to even read it. Pulling myself together, I pull it out, as now the crispness is gone. That perfect letter is now wrinkled and full of ink stains. As if I am afraid of something, I slowly open the letter.

Melanie,

Come back and bring my heart, with you. You stole it last summer on a breezy afternoon. My open arms await you.

Much Love, Todd

So, here I stand before this painting. Should I make this perfect picture a reality by returning to his outstretched arms or should I continue with my commitments?

An older woman of her 60‘s replies, "Wow, breath taking. Isn’t it?"

"Yeah, I know. You should see it in person."

"Oh, I have. I lived there for two years, back when my husband George was in the military. I have lived in twelve different countries and out of them all, I can honestly say, Holland was my favorite. If my husband hadn’t passed away, I would be there right now, but my only family lives here in Diego."

"I spent the last summer there and had a chance to stay forever." "Well deary. What is holding a young girl like you back?"

"Commitments."

"Oh, I see. A girl has to do what a girl has to do."

"I guess."

"What a small world."

"Yes and the older you become the smaller it becomes."

“Before, you mentioned your husband and I couldn’t help but notice the way you said his name. It was as if you’d just met. “

“Yes.”

“When you decided to marry him, how did you know?”

“Know what?”

“That even when he’d passed on and you would still love him like the day you met.”

“Oh, but I didn‘t,” she said, giggling. “It’s called a risk. I knew I loved him and he loved me. We lived just one day at a time.”

“Wow.”

“Thanks.”

“Some times the simplest advice is the best. One day at a time. Well, I must get home by lunch my grand daughter is making me a grilled cheese. It was a pleasure chatting. I wish you well with your commitments. So long.”

“Bye”

I never thought finding someone so perfect, was even possible. As dumb as it sounds, I’m convinced, we were made for each other. I have never been so comfortable around any other person in my entire life. I have often heard people say: You know when its the one and, I guess, even if you don’t, you take a chance. The only thing that stands in our way is commitments. My commitments.

Before leaving for Holland I was engaged and then offered my dream job with Volcom, after completion of my senior year. This is the job I have wanted my entire life, a job as a promoter. I knew this was my job before middle school. To make this painting my reality would mean giving up this job. Besides the job I would have to give up my fiancé of three years.

At first I thought, "I can drop everything I have here and start new over there," but once I came back I was not strong enough. How could I leave Cade after almost four years. I guess, I forgot how special it was in Holland. Rather I tried to forget. Seeing these tulips today in this painting makes these memories resurface and that hurts. I finally got to a point where I was confident in my life in America, but now I don’t know. This pain is prompting me to do something beyond my norm. To take a risk and get on that plane.

What if it’s too late now and he wouldn’t even look me in the eyes? What if he found another American girl? A girl who would drop everything for him? What’s the worst? I fly over there and he rejects me,? After I lost my job and fiancé.

I am vibrating. Is that me? Probably, since my purse is the only one shaking. Oh I’m a genius.

I say, “Hello…...Hey, hun……Lunch! Sounds great……Oh, I don’t care. You pick…...Water Way Café, sounds wonderful…...1:00. Perfect, I’ll see ya then…Bye”

This is it I am breaking it off. Its over. Its not fair to Cade or me. At lunch today. Then after lunch I will call Todd. If he won’t speak to me then I will take a risk and get on a plane. The same plane I should have gotten on after I received his letter………….