Final Draft
Written by Andrea00 on November 25, 2003 - 00:12
Mike's Secret

The sun beamed through the French doors. Rays of heat pierced my skin through the satin sheets. After hitting the snooze button for the fourth time, I lay in bed to let my mind wander.

My eyes gleamed down the beach. Not a cloud in the sky, watching the pelicans flow through the air was always so soothing. Today is a good day.

I turned over to wake him. He looked so peaceful. Maybe I should wait until coffee is ready.

Mike and I had the best relationship. We never fought, spent just the right amount of time together, and faithful to each other from day one. We had gone through everything together. It was so frustrating that we weren’t married.

It was the morning of our third year anniversary. We had plans to spend the evening together on the beach, eating dinner, and then dancing the night to rest. I was so excited for some reason. I had never felt this way on any other anniversary. Something was unique, something different.

I could hear him run down the stairs. I couldn’t wait to see him all dressed up and ready to go.

That was one thing that I admired about Mike. His perfect everything. A broker, six days a week, running the top company in New York. They way he dressed, so impressive. I always loved picking up his suits from the cleaner. He always had them specially cleaned. Armani, Versace, you name it he wore it.

So I wonder what it was today. “Hmm…cool water.” I could smell him from the kitchen.

“Alright baby, I’m off to work; I’ll talk to you around lunchtime. Call your mother, she was asking about you.” Out the door he went. So handsome in his suit.

By the time five o’clock came around, I heard the beep from the door go off. Jock jumped up and sped to the front door to greet Mike. Always such a sweet dog, he was the man of the house. Mike and I favored him like our son.

“He baby, you almost ready?” he yelled up the stairway.

“Yeah, I’ll be down in a few.”

I came to the end of the stairs to see Mike waiting anxiously with a dozen roses and two glasses of champagne. There in a tux he stood, staring at me as I walked down the stairs in my satin gown. I could read his lips… “Oh my god.”

He kissed my cheek and took my hand. “ Are you ready? You look unbelievable.”

We walked outside to the limo and went on our way. The drive was about forty-five minutes. The stars gleamed through the sunroof, we could smell the salt in the air as we road along the pacific coast of California.

The restaurant lay deep in the cliff. I had never seen anything like it in my life. Completely breathtaking, I couldn’t keep my eyes from watering. Lights lit up the balcony and palm trees danced in the coastal breeze. He walked me up the marble staircase. We pondered at the top, and then wandered out onto the deck. He pulled out the seat to the only table that over looked the drop of the cliff.

It was the most precious sunset I had ever seen. The colors of the clouds reflected off the still water. My heart raced every second. There were moments to where I couldn’t even speak.

We ended our dinner perfectly. We barely even spoke on our way the limo. I could tell he was so content.

Before he helped me in, he turned and said, “Wait, there’s one more thing I would like to do tonight.” As he spoke, I noticed his nervous giddiness. … He was taking me somewhere I had never been. His palms felt warm, his eyes too blue.

I just remember that last breath he took. It wasn’t clearly a way I wanted to remember him, but something about that moment keeps me at ease.

The crash had killed him.

That night, I will never forget. All I remember was the look in his eyes as he grabbed my hand right before the accident. It was years ago, and to this day I will never know if Mike was going to propose to me.

I dream of him often. Almost every night. He will always be the only man I fell in love with.
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Corrections
Posted by Jason on December 2, 2003 - 18:32.
change "i lay in bed..." to "i laid in bed..."

"...watching the pelicans flow through the air" to "fly through the air"

"maybe i should wait until the coffee [is] ready"

"and [were] faithful to each other..."

"his perfect everything" [this doesnt make sense :)]

"He baby, you almost ready" [Hey baby..]

"where did he go"
Editing
Posted by lms03n on December 2, 2003 - 18:24.
~"time together, and faithful to each other from day one." ---add WERE between and & faithful

~"i heard him racing down the stairs" ---capitalize i

~cool water ---capitalize

~"There were moments to where I couldn’t even speak."---"There were moments when I couldn't even speak"...does that sound better?
Perfect
Posted by jnm1485 on November 25, 2003 - 18:46.
I know that we are suppost to give advice about what you could fix to make the story better. To tell you the truth I really don't know. I was reading it the whole time thinking to myself, ok she watched sex in the city or something and this is going to end with him leaving her, but I never expected that. I think that the language that you used was poetic enough for the situation and made the story even better.
Your narrative has become ver
Posted by lms03n on November 25, 2003 - 18:32.
Your narrative has become very descriptive since your first draft. I can actually picture the scene because you desribe it very well. When she wakes up in the morning, and he looks peaceful; I can just picture a beautiful man sound asleep. When they are out on the town, I can see the scenery in my mind. Good job!

I was a little confused at one part however. "He always had them specially cleaned. Armani, Versace, you name it he wore it. So I wonder what it was today. “Hmm…cool water.” I could smell him from the kitchen." When you are talking about the cologne,I thought you were still speaking about his suits. Maybe you could say, "So I wonder what cologne it is today. I slowly breathe in. 'Mmm...cool water.'

I really like your ending. How did they crash though? As a reader, I want to know. Did it suddenly start raining, and did they slide off the road? Were they hit full force by a drunk driver? Was the limo driver not paying attention? Since you ending is such a big twist, dwell on it a little.
Sniff
Posted by johnmac on November 25, 2003 - 18:31.
Well you got me all depressed now if that was your intent. Good story, just skim through it, I noticed some small grammatical errors. Reading aloud should help all that.

johnmac
Wow
Posted by andybutler on November 25, 2003 - 18:22.
that was a really good story. it was very descriptive and powerful. The ending was a huge suprise and written superbly. I have no real criticisms to this paper except maybe try and be a little more descriptive. Other than that this is an excellent paper. Everything is very concise and flows really well. Keep up the good work.