ENC 1101-B3 & B4: Writing for Discovery

Good morning sunny LA it is currently 9:00 am, high of 70 and 95% sunshine with, clouds expected to move in later tonight. Get out and enjoy this beautiful Saturday morning. In fact go enjoy a special $3.99 breakfast at Sherry’s.

I mean really? Who puts sky lights in a bedroom? I’m not a fan, on the only day I have to sleep in. Well, I guess I’ll be productive on my Saturday and get up. Maybe I’ll go to the park for a run-no, I’ll go to the beach-yeah, I know there’s gonna be something going on wave wise. Oh, I forgot. I need to patch up that ding. Never again, will I lend out a board. No more nice Melanie. Every time I do, something happens. Hey, I bet they got some new work in at the gallery. Its been weeks since I’ve been.

No matter what mood: happy, goofy or depressed I get lost in the art work at the gallery. These paintings have been my shelter during the storms of life; the place I find refuge. Kind of like a movie or book. I could spend hours in there, admiring each stroke and shadow, while releasing my mind from the stresses of life.

While, soaking in all the new work; my gaze caught a landscape picture of Holland and immediately feelings of regret and pain flooded my body. It was a perfect painting with millions of brilliantly colored tulips, a windmill and refreshing sky.

The tulip has been officially my favorite flower since childhood, but things change. Now, when I look at this flower I want to cry. Unfortunately, these unique flowers brought me back to a place I have spent the last 6 months trying to forget- a place far from the small California art gallery. As I stood below that painting; I felt powerless, while my mind raced back to that breezy day in the field:

We walked from the quaint town to the tulip nursery. I was so overwhelmed by the brilliant colors, as they danced in the wind. It was just me and Todd. We had fallen in love that summer and as it came to an end I knew our love must too. I had never planned for this to happen as we spent the whole summer friends, but it all changed the week before I left. When he whispered those words that paralyzed my body, “Never leave me.” I can still hear their echo.

It was at that moment- I knew I loved him and it was at that moment- I knew I couldn’t. I was spending my last day in Holland with Todd, enjoying every flower and breeze. He led me to a windmill where we sat in its shade. He picked a white tulip and handed it to me. As I held the flower in my hand I found a necklace with our initials engraved. My heart felt heavy as I could not hold back the tears anymore. I’m not good at this emotional stuff. The pain of leaving him was to great to bear, leaving me no choice, but to run. I never ran so fast as that morning. I sprinted back to town, leaving him alone. The next day I flew out, without a word of explanation. Instead of a simple goodbye I wrote him a letter. There is no way I was to say goodbye in person.

As I watched the canvas’s tulips sway in the wind, I didn’t find the refuge that a painting normally gave me. I was not lifted me from this world. Today was different. The same thought kept tumbling around in my head, “Go back to him.” It had been roughly 6 months since I left him alone in that field. The thought gave me goose bumps. Besides, the dear Jon letter we shared no communication since that sunny morning. It was easier just to block the pain out than deal with it. Blocking it out is exactly what I did and do, until those tulips laughed me in the face. Those innocent flowers became knives and sliced my unhealed wound. The thought of dropping everything and returning to his outstretched arms crossed my mind everyday, but commitments held and hold me back. In his reply to my letter he was brief, but clear.

Melanie,

My arms and heart are open.

Much Love,
Todd

So, here I stand before this painting. Should I make this art work a reality or should I continue with my commitments?

“Wow, breath taking. Isn‘t it?.”
“Yeah, I know. You should see it in person”
“Oh, I have, I lived there for two years, back when my husband was in the military. I have lived in twelve different countries and Holland was my favorite. If my husband hadn’t passed away I would be there right now, but my only family lives in LA, so here I am.”
“I spent this last summer there and had a chance to live there.”
“Well there, honey. What’s holding a young girl like you back?”
“Commitments”

Our relationship was based on each other. I never thought finding someone so perfect was possible. As dumb as it sounds, I am convinced we were made for each other. I have never been so comfortable around any other person in my entire life. I have often heard people say: You know when it’s the one.

The only thing that stand in our way is commitments. My commitments. Before leaving for Holland I was engaged and then offered a job after completion of my senior year. This is the job I have wanted my entire life, a job as a promoter for Volcom has been my dream, even back when tulips were my favorite flower.

To make this art work a reality I must drop reality. At fist I thought “I can drop everything I have here and start new over there,” but once I came back I was not strong enough. I forgot how special it was over there, rather I tried to forget. Seeing these tulips today made these special memories resurface and that hurts. I finally got to a point where I was confident in my life in America, but now I don’t know.