My paper lacked the detail that could really have made it a little better. Especially towards the end of the piece where I described each of their demises. Maybe a little more elaboration at the end would have made it a better story.
"Walking behind him, although it was too dark for him to realize, was Geoff, who before reaching the stairs was attracted to the open elevator shaft by the sound of "Stephen's" voice. He met his end by gravity's hand. Bryan, however, perhaps through a protection he crafted through his trade managed to escape, and until the day he died went back every night for any sight of his friends."
Here I could have added a little more confusion to dd to the mood of the scene. Perhaps with a little more time and insperation I could make this into a much better story.
I also could have linked the events of the beginning, middle and end much better. There are huge gaps of happenings that could have used some filling in.
More dialogue might have helped the events of the story seem a little more real, and suck the reader into the mystery. Perhaps more description of Sunland would have intrigued the audience into the mystique of this abandoned hospital.
I do however like the basic idea of the story. Six teenagers, following their curiosity into the unknown, trying to form greater bonds. It creates a realism that can actually make a reader believe that there is really some truth behind the tale. Using the location of the well known abandoned assylum also adds to this affect.
Detail Seriously needed
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